Actually, that's not true. The annoying habit is that I sell myself short.
The blog reading habit started with a good friend of mine giving up her baby to a wonderful, internet-savvy couple, who unwittingly keep me involved by posting updates on their son's life for their family far away.
The habit of selling myself short started when my former boss, a reserved British woman, told me that she didn't want to renew my teaching contract for the next year. This came completely out of the blue and shook my self-confidence. The damage was almost repaired by landing a new, fabulous job where I told them honestly in the interview why I didn't remain at my last job (I had underestimated my responsibility for seeking out my boss and telling her what was going on in my classroom, which is why, when she told me she didn't want to renew my contract, she brought up situations that I had already changed). But I didn't accept the fabulous, new job because it would have required moving my fabulous husband who had also landed a fabulous, new job which was, unlike mine, actually located in the state where we lived. Instead, I took a degrating, underpaid job because I was tired of searching and in need of money to pay off my student loans. I worked at that job for eleven months, until my son was born.
While I worked at the degrating job (and struggled to make it seem less so), every member of my family made sure to tell me how underpaid I was and how I should aim higher. I started that job at the end of August, and by the end of September my friend had given birth to a little boy and delivered him to his proud new parents. So, with friends and family telling me I was undervaluing myself, I began reading the blogs of a family who seemed to be more successful than I was.
But here's the thing... did I stop to think if that was true? Were they really more successful than me?
Well, I'm pretty sure from the pictures of their vacations that they had a higher household income than my husband and I (although, given the amount my degrating job was paying me, that wasn't too hard). And I'm also pretty sure that they're older than me and my husband, maybe by 5 years at the most.
But does that equal more success?
In this country, money often seems to be the measurement of success. I'd like to think that happiness is a better measuring tool, and though I can't measure the happiness of a couple I've never met solely from their blog, I'm willing to bet that my life measures up to the success I perceive.
Let's stop and think for a minute:
- I am married to my high school sweetheart, and we are still very much in love. He still finds me attractive even though I have not yet regained my pre-pregnancy size.
- We have a beautiful and healthy baby boy.
- I have a large network of friends and family who eagerly await my own blog to see the pictures of my son each week. I even have a great relationship with my in-laws and feel comfortable visiting my mother-in-law for a week at a time while my husband goes away on business.
- We are stable enough financially for me to take a full year off of teaching to spend with our son.
- We recently moved into a beautiful new apartment that is a step away from owning a house and makes me like the state of New Jersey. (Really!!)
- And, every time I've been to a job interview in the past two years I've been offered a job. Now that's worth the student loan payments on my Masters degree!
So really, the idea that I am not successful compared to them is ridiculous. It stems mostly from my issues with my job situation. But even though they have more success than me in that arena, I know there are other arenas where I have the more enviable position. As my mother once pointed out to me, just because I've had bad luck in employment, doesn't mean I don't have good luck elsewhere. (She, herself, has been at the same company for over 10 years, but has been through several boyfriends in that time.) So why compare at all if it's just going to make me feel bad?
Well... because it's a habit.
2 comments:
My parents are divorced and my mom ended up with a bunch of the photo albums from when I was a kid. Sometimes she goes through them and wonders why she got divorced. She looks at all the photos of our vacations and our Christmases and birthday parties. Life was so great... it's all right there in color in those books to prove it.
Or was it? There aren't any pictures of emotional neglect. There aren't any pictures my dad's alcoholism. There aren't any pictures of the rift that grew between them over the years. We only take pictures of the good times.
And I'm sure that can be said of many blogs too. People typically don't write about the stuff that makes them look bad. So I'm sure when you read those blogs that make you question whether you're smart enough or as successful, you're only reading part of the story. From what I just read, it seems like your life is pretty good -- all except the fact that you're paying more for childcare than you make at your job. That part sucks.
When I read other's blogs I always feel they are better at being a mom than I am. Hopefully what Mother in Chief said applies here as well. They just don't write about the bad times.
Post a Comment